I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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