Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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