I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
