just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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