So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
