my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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