she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
