if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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