My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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