.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
