im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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