dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
