He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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