and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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