i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
