Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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