The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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