Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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