I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
