fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago