I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.