You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.