i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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