Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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