So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
