Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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