Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
