I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
