so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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