are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
