All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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