Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
