I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
