This is not my ceiling
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
