When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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