Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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