I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
