watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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