I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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