The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila