when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.