Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.