a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
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You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner