wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
