Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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