so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
