when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
