Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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