I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
