I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
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I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
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She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in