Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
