Texts From Last Night

• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
  Replies (39) Good night (5776) Bad night (876)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.

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  (630): 8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs. http://tfl.nu/mvq2
  Replies (13) Good night (2725) Bad night (605)
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?

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  (563): his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off? http://tfl.nu/hp8b
  Replies (19) Good night (648) Bad night (4025)
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.

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  (817): you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar. http://tfl.nu/9tne
  Replies (16) Good night (3071) Bad night (653)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together

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  (812): the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together http://tfl.nu/nmyc
  Replies (21) Good night (4080) Bad night (743)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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  (540): Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof. http://tfl.nu/2421
  Replies (20) Good night (8011) Bad night (1651)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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  (727): We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno http://tfl.nu/ajny
  Replies (12) Good night (3909) Bad night (1084)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

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  (306): How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid http://tfl.nu/1mq4
  Replies (9) Good night (1055) Bad night (4572)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.

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  (403): At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers. http://tfl.nu/h62s
  Replies (4) Good night (1870) Bad night (1168)
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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  (662): Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse. http://tfl.nu/b0l0
  Replies (6) Good night (1655) Bad night (916)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.

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  (716): it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend. http://tfl.nu/9nvz
  Replies (2) Good night (1418) Bad night (780)
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Nevermind. Totally worth it.

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  (734): Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy (734): Nevermind. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/cbwr
  Replies (3) Good night (1338) Bad night (891)
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there

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  (801): Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there http://tfl.nu/7057
  Replies (3) Good night (521) Bad night (362)
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.

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  (856): I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick. http://tfl.nu/i37m
  Replies (5) Good night (776) Bad night (334)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.

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  (404): Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs. http://tfl.nu/rj7n
  Replies (7) Good night (830) Bad night (268)

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