i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
