dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
