im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
