you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
