This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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