The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
