Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
