i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
