I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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