i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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