Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
